I’m sat here at the bar it’s Valentines Day and I’m alone
wondering where it all went wrong, wether it was me that made the mistakes for it to end like this.
Wallowing in self pity is not gonna help me but that’s how i feel, i suppose I should explain what I’m going on about so you don’t throw this book down I promise it gets better.
It all starts 15 months ago a broken heart in need of repair
A scared and broken man packed up all his worldly possessions and headed west to start a new job and try and get his life back on track.
After a week vacation with my boys in Las Vegas
I finally decide to tell them that I am moving away when I get back,
it didn’t go down too well
sat there with 9 of my closest friends and brother I drop a bomb on them saying in 4days I will be moving away I hadn’t even told anyone else not even my family!
I would say that’s just me but it’s not ask anyone
I’m not impulsive
I don’t like change
I had never moved so far away from anyone before.
Why?? I hear you ask
I was stuck in a dead end job with non prospect of moving on or up
My love life was vacant and non existent
I had nothing holding me there apart from my close friends that I had
Forged over the past 9yrs and my broken and disfunctional family!
Tell me something I haven’t heard before I hear you cry
Well I can’t if I’m being honest
I was a 25 yr old gay man living with 4 straight guys and about 15 male friends
and at one point I think I fancied them all
and probably tried it on with them all at some point
my life was a mess
The drink that was consumed
The copious amounts of drugs that got hoovered up my nose
And pills that got popped would scare any doctor, nurse or normal person
It was time for a change and hopefully for the best
I suppose your waiting for an ironic twist here but no
I packed up all my worldly belongings and moved to Bournemouth
To start a new to be the person I wanted to be
No stress, no dramas just a normal life and that was what i got
it lasted um
3 weeks before I had my first visit from the guys back home
and it wasn’t to be the last visit in a 15 month period while I was away.
The whole point of moving away was so I could knuckle down and make something of my life, well I did and I worked fucking hard I had no friends here
no relationships just me and it was nice lonely but nice.
After about 2 months I came out my shell the tiniest bit
but nothing to how I used to be
Tone it down and you’ll be fine
Keep myself to myself try not to get tangled up with anyone or in anything and you’ll be fine.
At this point in the story I should tell you about the new guy
that started at work well known by all the staff
as they were all friends and some family members
a sheepish looking boy started a couple of weeks
started from New Zealand where he had been living
everyone was excited that he was coming back to work so I didn’t think nothing of it.
New year came around
I worked my arse off and I loved it,
Don’t ask me when exactly it happened but
I found myself strangely attracted to him
Why him I don’t know
We never spoke we never socialised together
he had a girlfriend he never socialised with people from the pub
he slipped under the radar somehow.
Nothing happened or emerged from it I carried on normally with my plans knowing what I wanted and what I had to do to get there and nothing was gonna get in my way of that
like my mum says to everyone
Everything I touch turns to gold
And is made into a success
I’m not silly i might act it but hay
I didn’t get to where I am today for being silly
I might have made some very bad choices in my life
and there are a few and not enough time to write them all down
plus it’s not good everyone knowing your deepest darkest secrets
and goings on it’s bad enough that there are a handful of people out there that do.
Back to the story April/may time came around work really was taking off
I was on the management ladder with the company and doing all my course and getting all my qualifications and certificates finally progress
I started going out doing reliefs for pubs restaurants and hotels around the country and I loved it.
September came around and I was away more and more from the pub
I missed everyone lots but I had to stay focused on the job at hand,
friendships had been forged and good relationships were cemented in my life it was nice but there was this niggling in the back of my mind all this time and for the life of me I didn’t know what it was! Now of course I do and I wished it would have stayed niggling in my mind
I’d like to add at this point that as this story unfolds more and more
if I get judged by people I’d not care !!!
I’m a sucker for a good looking guy
I’m the biggest softie you will ever meet
And a sucker for a good love story it sounds cliche but
When you’ve been in my position
I look back now and laugh to myself
It hurts but I’m numpty when it comes to love
To quote a famous comedy duo
How can I be so smart in life but so dumb when it comes to love!!
falling for the wrong person all the time that’s my problem and I know it
I think I should insert these little ditties that I have been writing into this to show you the reader what was really going through my mind all this time…….
It’s strange how one person can come into your life
And at the time don’t even realize what it is that they do to you
Until it’s too late
There’s a guy I know at first I though he was another
Pubesent teenage boy
But 15 months down the line
I find out he is actually a decent honest guy sometimes and that
Can really throw u off track
When u have plans in ur life and you know what they are
I think they call it a spanner in the works
I know deep down inside that nothing can ever happen but
It’s the little things that are done that make me realize a little bit more
How much I like him
There in lies the problem apart from a bit of harmless flirting
Nothing could ever happen as much as I would want it too
As what we have is great and fun
And wouldn’t wanna change it for the world
And that’s the truth !!!!
Funny isn’t how many of us have felt like this at some point in their lives
So October rolls round and I’m sent off yet again to run another place
and in time I think it’s only for 3 weeks this time in this time I can honestly say that I had been looking around for new jobs and looking at getting my own pub too but that was a distant thought in my mind little did I know
my yearly trip to Las Vegas rolls around again and to my surprise it was happening again
Sat in the airport with friends and family I tell them that I am moving jobs again and not locally even further away again that didn’t go down to well you could say it’s kind of tradition now for me.
I can’t go into detail to much as I can’t remember every conversation or incident as my memory is shot to hell but I returned from the USA to tell every
One the news that I was leaving that I had found a pub and going for it to my amazement one person stuck out in my mind i had got very close to this person over the last couple of months a few drunken nights lots of late night chats
Not knowing what I know now I did the stupidest thing I could have ever done
Asking a 21 yr old sheepish looking boy wether he would like to leave his job and family and friends and moved half way up the country to come and work for me thinking i would be laughed at and told politely to foxtrot Oscar I didn’t occur to me the answer that was given to me, at the time I didn’t believe it but I continued on with what I had to do to further myself and my career as I have a family
A house and a mortgage to pay for also
So November came and went we came up and visited the pub it was in a state of disrepair but the work was under way I signed the papers and on the 1st December 2010 I left Bournemouth and the old pub for a new start in Lincoln all by myself
It was horrible left in a pub all by myself with nothing here at all no furniture no nothing just me and a suitcase and an inflatable bed so I had till the 13 th December until when he came to stay with me wether he did or not I wasn’t to know.
I returned to Bournemouth on the 11th to collect my stuff and to find out my fate wether I was returning alone or with company……
With company was the answer
The van was packed
And we set off on a magical adventure
WHAT A MESS !!
What’s a boy too do
I’m an absolute mess screwed in the head
I keep doing this to myself over and over again
Its like a vicious circle
Doomed to repeat the same thing over and over again
which feels me With more heartache and
makes me push loved ones
Away even more than I already do
Falling for guys that are never right for me
Or that arnt the same as me
What the fuck is wrong with me ????
Being alone I can handle its a piece of piss
The companionship is the bit I can’t handle
Getting to close to the guys I meet is the hard part
I fall to far and never return
You think I would have learnt from the last time
The reason why I moved in the first place
But yet again I’m doomed the repeat the circle again
And this time it’s gonna be worse
The situation I’ve got myself into it’s gone to far
I’m stuck down a grave and I can’t dig or claw my way out
The surface is too far away
Do I tell the truth and ruin something good
Or stay as I am and be miserable ???
I really didn’t think this through !!!